Ten Horror Movie Survival Tips
Byon Jul 13, 2012
Chiller TV is back with another original production for this week’s premiere! Can You Survive a Horror Movie? is a special look at what you need to do if you ever find yourself in the middle of a horror movie. You’ll see tips, tricks, and a trio of hosts put through a series of blood-soaked challenges that will determine who lives and who...well...gets covered in sticky, red goo. Yum! In the meantime, check out this additional list of five tips for surviving a horror movie. Before you proceed, though, we’ll give you the best tip of all: Don’t find yourself in a horror movie!
1. IF YOU SEE A MYSTERIOUS LOOKING BOOK/BOX/PUZZLE NEVER READ/OPEN/TRY TO SOLVE IT
If you’re a horror movie fan, you’ve seen this scenario time and time again. From The Evil Dead to Hellraiser and a million other movies, they’ve all demonstrated that mysterious books, boxes, puzzles, and other things that need to be opened only lead to mountains of misery. Do yourself a favor and leave it closed. Trust us. There’s nothing good in there.
2. IF YOU THINK THEY’RE DEAD, THEY’RE PROBABLY NOT
Jason. Freddy. Carrie’s mom. You might have thought they were all dead, but they weren’t. Here’s a hint: They never are! If you’re considering going up to someone that appears to be deceased to either say your final goodbyes or spit on their grave, you’re probably just going to end up in the ground next to them. Stay away!
3. GRAVEYARDS ARE FOR THE DEAD, NOT FOR YOU
I mean, do we really even need to say this? Stop playing around in the graveyard! There are better places to drink beer, hang out with your friends, and party (unless, of course, your name is Linnea Quigley). Find a friend’s basement. Go to the roller rink. Hang out in your old treehouse. Anywhere but a graveyard. Cemeteries are for dead people.
4. LEAVE DEAD THINGS ALONE
This should also go without saying, but seriously… Leave dead things alone! If your idea of a good time is taking your recently deceased family up to the ground above the Pet Sematary, you’re an idiot. You know damn well they’re just going to come back dirty, crazed, and with a thirst for the blood of your Achilles tendon. Let them rest in peace, people.
5. ABSTINENCE = LIFE
Mrs. Voorhees hates it. So do Mr. Krueger and Mr. Myers. Sex. It’s the quickest gateway to your demise in just about any horror movie franchise. If you can’t keep it in your pants for ninety minutes, you better hope you never end up in a horror movie because your lifespan is extremely limited. Abstinence equals life in the horror game. Remember that.
6. THAT NOISE IS NOTHING GOOD
File this one under “Horror’s Dumbest Decisions.” You’re home alone, or camped in the woods, or exploring the abandoned lair of a serial killer. You hear a noise, a footstep, a door closing, a garbage can rattling. Your well-developed survival instinct says, “Investigating the source of a sound that could only have been made by another human being or creature makes no logical sense.” Of course, this has never, ever happened in a horror film. Instead, your instinct is to walk directly toward the danger and end up sliced-and-diced before you can say, “Musta been the wind.”
7. DEVELOP SOME SITUATIONAL AWARENESS
One of the best, common sense survival scenarios in recent memory was found in The Strangers. A terrified couple, armed with a shotgun, willfully corners themselves in a closet, weapon pointed forward, waiting for either the killer or daylight to appear. Of course, movie magic and good writing intervene, but it’s an excellent example of using the environment to your advantage. If you’re trapped, limit your exposure. Every exit for you is an entrance for the killer. Don’t run upstairs when you can run outside. Feel from, not toward, danger. Always maintain a decent sight-line. Be aware of possible environmental weapons, but never go up against a machete with a pairing knife.
8. KNOW THY ENEMY
Unless you’re following in the footsteps of Scream, the problem with horror movie victims is that they've never seen an actual horror movie. You have to know what you’re dealing with if you’re going to survive. In the case of zombies, ask yourself, “Is this a fast zombie? A slow zombie? Is this a zombie that has supernaturally risen from the dead (in which case, it’s mindless), or is this a not-zombie, a human infected by some virus or disease (in which case, it may maintain some intelligence or awareness)?” In the case of a haunting, consider, “Is this a ghost? Or a perhaps demon? Was it summoned, or did someone die here? It the spirit angry? Confused? Defending its territory? Is this house worth that much to me?”
9. NO MOVIE MYSTERY HAS EVER BEEN WORTH SOLVING
For every horror movie heroine that ever made it to the end alive, you have to wonder if the journey was worth it…Was deciphering the origin of that mysterious curse, or discovering the identify of the spirit haunting your home, or finally figuring out why that damned slasher slashes – was knowing all that really worth the lives of the five or six people who died along the way? The final line of any horror movie should almost always be: “Nope. Really didn’t care that much.”
10. CALCULATE YOUR LIKELIHOOD TO LIVE
There’s no politically correct way to say this. If you suspect that you’re in a horror film scenario, look at those around you, then look down at yourself, and if you’re the token representative of any gender, ethnicity, body type or lifestyle, there’s an elevated likelihood that you’re going to die. If you’re any combination of two or more of these characteristics, you’re very probably, almost definitely not going to make it. If you are, for example, a heavily tattooed, over-weight, over-sexed, non-Caucasian female, frankly, we’re surprised you’re not dead already. Making it past the opening teaser was a miracle for you.